During most of my life I have lived having someone next to me. I changed and adapted to the guys I was dating so many times, that I always ended up renouncing what I really wanted to be or do. It is important to clarify that in contrast to the preconception that this previous affirmation could create, nobody was really asking me to change, it was me who wanted to fit, it was me who was trying to be the person that the other was looking for, because deep inside I was afraid of being rejected, abandoned, I was afraid of being alone.
What is interesting is that most of the time it didn’t even feel like I was sacrificing being myself. I have the faculty of enjoying almost anything, so it is easy for me to get confused and end up believing that I am not stopping being myself when I enjoy something and then I allow it to take more and more space in my life, even if it is far from what I know I want.
On the other hand, society teaches us that love requires sacrifices, so we easily confuse this process of forgetting who we really are for the sacrifices that are supposed to be made when in a relationship.
I was happy but not free
One day, after spending one and a half months in India -during my first travel to that wonderful country- I returned to Costa Rica and ended what has been the last “serious” relationship I had until now.
For the very first time I understood that I was not living the life I wanted to live. In some aspects I was on the right path, but there were still so many prejudices in my mind about my own self. I was not free! I’ve got involved over and over again in relationships or short experiences which reinforced the subconscious belief that I was not enough, that I was not worthy to be appreciated, that I was not worthy of real happiness, of real love. When I was not playing the role of abandoned, I was running away, afraid of being loved or of being finally enough for someone.
So, I started to read more, to study myself, to observe myself. So, I decided that I wanted to be alone, at least until I was able to find a man that could actually complement me. I had decided that as I read so many times in articles and books, I was worthy of a “Conscious Man”.
The first year after this decision, my subconscious betrayed me. I kept dating every once in awhile and every time I would find a man with qualities that could match with what looked to me as a conscious man, then I labeled him as a potential target. But not even one of the men I met during that time really wanted to have something more than an occasional experience with me, it was obvious they were not ready for creating something on a joint effort, at least not with me.
After being conscious about this for some time, I started asking myself: “What is wrong with me?” There must be something wrong- I thought- that the only few people from the masculine universe I knew, were not interested in me- not as I wanted them to be- but only the ones with whom I had very little or nothing in common. “What was I creating? What was I reflecting? And why?”
This analysis lasted some time. I had some experiences that were much closer to what I wanted to live, but for different reasons- my unstoppable itinerary, fears, timing- they were all no more than two months experiences, however deep or profound in feelings.
Something that I was not aware of at that moment is that, deep inside, I really wanted a life partner and a lover, both in one, but not a romance or a summer love story limited by the time I remain in a specific country (but I was still not able to see this). However, the few romances I had during this period, were quite nurturing for me and made me grow and getting closer to myself, so still today I feel grateful and loving for them.
With the on going spiral of acknowledgements I was having about myself, it was clear to me that what I really needed, was to be alone, completely alone, with no experiences, no romantic stories.
I started to become aware of how important it was to heal myself, to heal all the scars and resentments I had from the past, I needed to heal myself so could stop repeating patterns and finally find my true partner. But that was exactly the problem: I was not trying to heal because I wanted to be full and whole, happy and complete, but because I wanted to find someone conscious and I wanted to be ready and healed to experience the blessing of feeling loved. Of course, I was not aware about this when I decided that I needed to heal! And to be honest, the healing process, that started so long ago, is a layered process, which goes deeper and deeper, and the wounds get different as we get closer to them. But let’s go back to my need of being “ready”. It took me one more year of being alone to realize that I was directing my decisions from the wrong approach.
Craving for Love
After some months of being alone, once again, I found myself craving to be loved, but that time I dealt with me in a different way. I caught myself right at the precise moment when the need started to arise, so it was easy to realize that none of the people with whom I had relationships or with whom I dated in the past, was really what I wanted in a partner, I was always moved by ephemeral emotions but never by conscious decisions. I am not saying that my past experiences were bad or that I regret them, actually the very opposite, I am deeply grateful for them. I am saying that I had no idea who I was, who I was not, so it was impossible to know what I wanted.
And this was the door for the more profound and revelatory stage of my life, on which I had the second but even more important realization: “I was so desperately looking for a conscious man because that- a conscious man- was exactly what I was in lack of, what I was not, what I wanted to become. I wanted to be a “conscious woman.”
It is needless to say that after this realization infinite moments of clarity have risen, and I believe they will continue to. It has become clear that this is an everyday never ending process of self-observation and appreciation from a state of love and kindness.
For the very first time in my life I was alone without expecting that loneliness to end someday.
The first time I embraced myself
During my most recent travel to India, despite some tough circumstance I was experiencing, I was in a state of great acceptance with myself. I was experiencing a feeling I had never experienced before. I was feeling complete, full, whole! I was perceiving the perfection on the imperfection. For the very first time I embraced myself, with my own self: no partner, no longing, no yearning of having a partner.
I was in a place inside myself that I have never visited before, in which I could visualize me alone for the rest of my life without the feelings I had in the past while thinking about this possibility. For once, there was no sadness in me, no resignation, no self pity, I was really content. I could say it was like floating on a lake of peace that was inside of me, that peace was very similar to the theories I used to read, study and write so much about, but this time it was not about words or concepts, but a big infinite space where I was hovering.
It was interesting when people asked me why I didn't want to be with someone, I guess I never found the words to fully express that wonderful feeling I was having. I am not saying my life was perfect or there were no wounds or scars to heal, actually it could have been quite the opposite in so many aspects depending on the angle from which it was captured. However, in parallel to all those amazing obstacles that helped me learn and grow each day, “it” was always there with me; and what is “it”? My Self! My whole and full of Love “Self”.
But things changed! Everything changes... At some point, I started developing and observing emotions related with romance and passion again, and I decided to observe. I became a devoted student of my mind. I started to observe my desires when I felt them, the emotions derived from admiration or from circumstances that made me feel special, accepted, admired, approved. But I was not actually living any type of joint experience, I was just observing my emotions and thoughts.
Great understanding came to me about how easy we can “fall in love” just by clinging to a thought -that comes from subconscious patterns or beliefs- and let it take control of the mind. Other more subtle moments could also make us fall in love without awareness, so I was also observing such moments, driven by the ecstasy of deep and non-rational connections, but at the same time, knowing that there was no space to stay there and become those thoughts anymore.
I went back to the complete story of my life which allowed me to gain so much clarity about how easy it was for me, or at least it used to be, to forget about myself because of a moment of distraction. But this time it was different.
During my last attempt at being alone, while walking this infinite journey of re-discovering myself, I didn’t get to understand or acknowledge what I wanted in a Partner, because I actually wasn’t even thinking about it. But if I looked back, I could see that I did get to deeply understand what it was that I didn't want. Based on that understanding it got much more clear to me that there was not even one man around me with whom I truly wanted to build a relationship, and the few exceptions that could be closer to that, were missing one component, probably the most essential one: the momentum! The momentum is the word I use for what commonly is called "timing", or "synchrony". For me it is simply the willingness to simultaneously open the heart to let it be and from there, experiencing the fullness that arises from the joint creation and shared love.
I was no longer willing to play the “hard to get” game (which I've never liked to play anyway), acting as if I was unavailable, hard to access, difficult to reach. I was not willing to wait for the other to be ready. No more, I didn't want more mind games. At that point I knew that if wanted something, I wanted everything, all the qualities that fit in my life, the connection at a spiritual level, the consciousness, the momentum. If I wanted something, I wanted everything, otherwise, I rather to be with me, with whom I was already more than happy!
Falling in love or being In Love?
I was just starting to enjoy my wholeness embraced by myself, but life surprised me with a wise play… Maybe it is not life surprising me but my own self creating something that only could be created from a place of self-love and acceptance. I have decided to allow myself, not to fall in love, but to be in love, to be in the love state and live all these amazing feelings and emotions. In actuality it’s even more wonderful than this, because it is not that I am in love, but we are.
Today I find myself building a journey with someone that I don't expect to change not even one single aspect of their being, who also does not expect me to change anything from who I am now. Someone with whom I share my dreams and passions because we float on the same water. Someone who is also complete, full of love and kindness, who also enjoys his space alone because his love comes from inside, and it is not subject of me or anyone else. Someone who respects me, appreciates me and communicates openly even those things that are not comfortable to express. Someone who I also respect, appreciate and can freely express my thoughts and feelings. Someone with whom I feel my chest vibrating in unison with while meditating together. Someone who believes in me and empowers me to walk through the clouds.
Yes, we are in love and our story is long and beautiful, and someday I will share it, because I believe we all inspire each other with our stories and experiences, and because I believe we all deserve to live what we want to live, we are all capable to change our patterns and develop beautiful projects, skills, lifestyle and relationships.
Everything is about the inside
The greatest lesson that came from writing and reflecting on this story is that everything we seek for outside is only the reflection of what we are craving on the inside, so we must start with the inside first. We must start by taking the time to know who we are under the surface of our smile and successes, under the dresses and flesh.
We must start accepting and embracing our stories, our past, and taking responsibility to re-create ourselves and become the person we want to be. The state of permanent dissatisfaction doesn’t come from the outside, it is not derived from having a partner or not, nor from achieving our dreams and goals or not, but from the lack of awareness of who we are, and as a consequence, from the lack of love in our hearts.
Embrace the inner journey, enjoy the inside seeking, and travel deep and far, because nobody else can take that journey for you!