I have realized how easily we end up packing our emotion in a bubble. I’ve always believed I was very expressive and open to release my emotions with no fear, guilt or any type of repression. And possibly I might be very transparent in many aspects, but we are not just what we see on the surface, nor what we see on the first layers of peeling out our true self. There is so much to explore in the journey of self-observation that one must never feel like we have seen what we had to see... our glasses mostly always have some tint, or scratches.
For most of my life I was very smiley, many of my friends knew me by my euphoric laugh, my insane willing to enjoy everything beyond limits and my passionate attitude about everything in life. Suddenly, I started to change, well, we are always changing, but in this case, I just started to walk in a different direction and this direction made me a little less extroverted than what I was, and that energy started to be directed inside. It’s not that I became sad or depressed but actually the opposite. I started to observe my deeper emotions and thoughts, a painful enterprise at the beginning, though truly blissful once the resistance is released.
We all know how painful it can be to see inside. There are so many scars we have just covered with a piece of indifference, there is so much darkness and light in us we have never seen. But happiness requires not only nurturing but hands on work, just like a garden requires not only water and sun but weeding and pruning.
It is an instinctive reaction to try to become “stronger” or to ignore our emotions when someone else needs us. But you might find yourself in a very comfort place by just supporting others and ignoring your own storms. There is nothing wrong with supporting others, though it might become a problem if we do not take a time to let our own emotions to be released. If we just put our energy into others ignoring our own wounds and scars we might end up misreading the experience of happiness. As more time passes and the more movement we go through we find the way to walk on the chaos inside so it gives us the false feeling that our emotions have disappeared while what actually has happened is that we have buried them so deep inside that they are not visible anymore.
What I have learnt is that being smiley and apparently happy is not always a reflection of the inner state. We are driven to repress our emotions by society rules.
But everything comes back, there is nothing you can burry that will remain unseen, the seed is always going to try to come out and find its way to reach the surface. The more we resist and ignore it, more unseen damage to the foundations of our existence will occur. Have you seen a tree trying to expand within the pavement? Well, guess what? They always succeed. We can only remove all the concrete we have thrown on it and allow it to be. The whole street will become more beautiful by creating the space for the tree to grow instead of keep insisting to deny it while it breaks the layers of indifference and pavement of the soul.