Ananda is the reflection of the whole universe on the glassy surface of a drop of water. Ananda is the light of the first star at night. Is the song of the birds under the symphony of the rain. Ananda is the shimmering aura of the magic space of silence before a kiss.
The sweet and brightening bliss of life, the pure beauty and joy of freedom. The subtle layer of energy beyond our preconditioned existence.
Ananda came to us in August, when Brian -the love of my life- and I were in Costa Rica. We actually didn’t notice when Ananda came but one month later we started to suspect that something was different. It took us some time to actually acknowledge that a new being of light was dancing and whispering love inside of me.
From today in six days I am getting married with the most amazing human being. And twelve days ago, we were finally confirmed, Ananda was already 10 weeks. As many other women, I always said I was never going to get married and I didn’t want to be a mother. There were many reasons behind that statement but that is not why I am writing today. About that I only want to say that the old Luana surely didn’t know the Luana I am today.
Ananda came to bring us light and bliss. Light to open our eyes from the darkness of ignorance. Twelve days ago there were no more doubts about it, though we were still absent, we were still thinking about work, about how to fix our financial situation, how to face the new challenges that were coming with Ananda, like dealing with the ridiculous health care system of this country, or the unbelievably expensive process for immigrants to be legally residents in U.S. We were trying to figure out how to move to a new house, we were planing a wedding and learning how to manage a newly acquired business. We were worried on how to make the schedules of our studio work, on how to plan events effectively, on how to make of our space the reflection of who we are... but we were losing ourselves in an ocean of “to do’s”, so we didn’t know anymore what we wanted and even the sense of who we were was diluted. We were not dedicating time to those things that keep our hearts singing and our eyes shining, we were not even clear in which direction we were walking. The only thing that we knew is that we were walking together and we were lost together, we knew we wanted to keep walking together.
Ananda came to remind us that we can’t support each other if we are empty inside, that we can’t feel the bliss of life if we are not present, if we don’t honor each step with consciousness and heart.
We were sleeping in this unstoppable current on which we were also drowning, until one day a weird feeling woke me up. Ten days ago, it was Thursday and I went to the toilet as soon as I woke up, to corroborate that my weird feeling was already in my cloths, I was bleeding. On that moment I felt scare, I felt a shiver in the core of my bones. In that moment I realized how much I did want to be a mother, and not “a” mother, but the mother of Ananda, I realized how much I wanted to be a mother with my partner and love of my life. We both did, and we were awaken on the most painful way. Ananda brought us even closer than what we were and showed us infinite possibilities to face life that we didn’t even dreamed about before, and made us understand how deeply we love, care and appreciate each other, how much we want each other to be free and happy. Ananda made us realize how little or no present at all we were during the more than 2 months of pregnancy we were already. Ananda made us realize how no present we had been in our own lives. Ananda brought us light!
The days passed and the bleeding didn’t stop.
Six days ago we were notified that Ananda’s soul was not in her body anymore. We felt... well, that’s something difficult to express and it is not my intention that you feel sad for us. A deep emptiness, a pause in every sense, as if life was stopped, no flavor, no smell, no color. Tears were not enough to heal. The physical experience of her body leaving mine was deeply painful, but the emotional pain of letting go of a piece of your own flesh, that is also a piece of your heart and soul, is something beyond the Universe of words.
The pain of Ananda leaving us will always be with us, but will also be the light she gave us.
Brian supported me, cried with me, and shared the emptiness with me. He walked this pain with me as no other person could have done it. No expectation could have reached his truthful surrendering and humbleness. His love and kindness were expressed on the most tangible and expansive way possible: with actions.
In 6 days I am marrying the man with whom I want to share my life with, as a friend of ours said, “we are crossing a threshold” where our two individual existence become the oneness at the same time, we recognize in the most deep level the divine within us and we decide to honor it while we grow and create together. I know we will still be sad, we are still grieving this pain, I know we will keep crying Ananda, but we will also smile, because we are grateful and fortunate, because it is a gift to have decided to coincide in this life. We feel honored because Ananda chose us during some weeks, to teach us and shake us, to awaken our true selves.
Today we understand we were blessed with this little guru, that came to teach us that life is happening right now and we must honor whatever is going on in this moment. Ananda, bliss, joy is in the possibility of being present, not tomorrow, not yesterday, the only way of being present is NOW.